Meet Kimberly.
So, who am I? Well, that’s a loaded question. While I am still figuring that one out, most days I’m just your average 31-year-old stay at home mama to a 19 month old boy and we’re learning ASL together. Becoming a mom was everything I never knew I needed and so much more. I’m in the midst of navigating being newly Deaf/Hard of Hearing as well as a few other medical diagnoses but most days I would say I’m just happy to be here.
In my healing era.
At the age of 31, I never thought I’d be “in my healing era” but here we are. My medical diagnosis started with Achalasia (a rare esophageal disorder) when I was just two years old. I was able to keep that somewhat at bay, up until high school, with the occasional surgeries. Flash forward to 2020 and I am fighting for my life.
Long story short, my esophagus ruptured, attached itself to my lung, and was draining all the bad toxins into my body causing me to become septic. Now I swear, the hearing loss will come into play soon, if you just stick with me.
This is my fight song.
Here I am at the age of 27, newly engaged back in March, and now stuck in a hospital bed at the absolute worst time. Due to covid I couldn’t have a single person with me. I spent the better part of the year there basically by myself (except for the nurses who took me in like family)… creeping up on my 28th birthday in October, I wound up back in the hospital where my surgeon told me that we couldn’t wait any longer to perform surgery…
If you knew me, you knew I lived that summer like it was my very last. I was going to be as ok with dying as I could be and my family would make it through with the help of each other. But as I am sitting here typing out part of my story, you can guess how it ends.
I LIVE.
When I woke up from my esophagectomy and lobectomy, almost a week later, I saw my mom and she had a whiteboard that I motioned to and wrote “I’m alive?” in quite possibly the worst handwriting you’ve ever seen.
I realized that I am pretty much imobile. I can’t move because everything hurts and I am so weak, I can’t speak because there's a tube in my throat doing my breathing for me, I can't hear because… wait, I can't hear? All I see are lips moving and people motioning to me. Why can’t I tell what’s going on?
Surviving, Not Thriving
So here I am, just watching everyone move around the hospital room and my brain is trying to process everything that is going on. After what feels like forever, I am extubated (breathing tube taken out) and I can try to ask questions and tell those around me that I can’t hear them.
One complication of my esophagectomy, so we assume because we can’t be absolutely sure, has left me completely deaf in my right ear and about 75% in my left ear. With tests and steroid injections in my inner ear; it looks like my hearing won’t be coming back.
But I’m alive so I should be thankful right?
This is not to say that I don’t have everyday struggles because I do but at least I get the chance to be able to look forward to my future… It takes awhile but I am fitted for a hearing aid and while it’s helpful, it’s also not the best. I still struggle to get clarity in big crowds, to have one on one conversations in big spaces, and so much more.
But that laugh… My son's laugh. It’s the best thing I've ever heard. And I don't care if it's quieter than it should be or that I have to make sure my device has fresh batteries all the time, because that laugh lets me know I’m alive.
Forged in fire.
Almost four years later, I look forward to my future.
I’m not stuck in a hospital bed anymore having countless surgeries, breathing tubes, three rounds of ECMO, central lines, chest tubes, feeding tubes, and anything else I've had. I have a husband, a sweet baby boy, a home and family I love, and I’m doing more than I ever thought I would get to do.
While losing my voice a few times and losing most of my hearing in the process, here I am. Even though I may be considered disabled, I am enjoying this life that I was given.
I’m a mom, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend and so much more. I’m ME. It’s raw, it’s real, it’s unbelievable. I’m still learning every day but I know that this is not my practice life, this is all there is, so I’ll give it everything I've got!
